Redneck Visit from Santa - James Buercklin

'Twas the night before Christmas in our single-wide
not a creature was stirring, we'd used pesticide
Our socks were all hung by the oven with care
After a wash in the sink they dry good up there
Our six kids all in their beds sleeping quick
A little vodka mixed into the punch did the trick
Me in my tee-shirt and ma in her tube top
The one that she wears since she got her boob job
And wearing the new Earnhardt panties I bought her
We'd just settled down into out mattress of water

Then out on the lot there arose such a ruckus
That me and ma...well...it unstuck us
I agreed to go look if it'd stop bitchin'
So I snuck out to the livingroom-diningroom-kitchen
I peeled back the newspaper-curtain real slow
And peeked out the window, scanning the snow
I was expecting a thief, a cop, D.E.A.
Or a repo man after my new Chevrolet
The truck was still there, and my Trans-Am up on blocks,
The Trans doesn't run but it's stero rocks
I crept to the back window and again I looked out
Once again, no one there but I still had my doubt
I looked at the shed that was off to the side
No, still locked up with my meth lab inside

The on the roof came a new blast of sound
Lake a cat in the grinder that's starting to ground
My heart pounded as my terror did build,
And I have to admit that my skivvies were filled
I ran to the closet ignore the smell
Pulled out my Mossberg and a box full of shells
I ran out the front as I jacked in a round
Then spun on my heel and fired up at the sound
A dude dressed in red screamed "You're not a believer!"
Guess he shouldn't have paused by the Dish Net receiver

A box full of shells later I had quite a prize
A sled full of presents of every shape, style and size
I also had nine new deer heads for the wall
And enough venison to last til next fall
But my greatest prize that brings the most glee
Is the glowing red nose that's topping out tree